Pause

The bright red number on my vintage alarm clock reads 3:07. 

AM.

It’s become a thing in recent weeks, this waking up in the middle of the night. Awake enough to mosey into the kitchen for water. Awake enough to read a book, or scan the news. 

Though I’ve stopped scanning the news. 

A friend told me the other day that when you’re waking up in the middle of the night, it’s because the universe or some higher being is trying to tell you something. I’m sitting here, in the darkness of the early morning, trying to sort out that message. 

A few weeks ago, that message would have been to slow down. Like many of us, I have been living life at 150 miles an hour – enjoying that I have come into my career and my place in this world. And it’s been that way for several years now. 

In fact, on Sunday I will celebrate my four year anniversary at Spurling. As many of you know, I started as the team training coach. As many of you probably don’t know, I originally turned Doug down. 

I didn’t feel I was cut out for big group classes…but we’ll save that story for another day.

Fast forward a few years, and I’ve begun to feel that I’m hitting my stride. Finishing my own fitness book, stretching myself to take on more professional challenges – essentially drinking from a fire hose. Until two weeks ago.

Life goes on, and yet so much of life has stopped. Empty restaurant parking lots. Cancelled events. Vacations put on hold. 

I’ve written before about what in Buddhism is known as the sacred pause. Because so many of us tend to live our lives in the passing lane, we need to find ways to slow ourselves down. 

Until now. 

Now, the entire world is in this pause. We are in this sacred pause together. We are in this moment in time that is unique to everyone. No one has ever seen or lived anything like this before. We are all in this existential purgatory, wondering when we will again have weekend plans, dinners in person, walks along our beaches.

But we are also, in this pause, figuring out what enough truly is. Many of you out there who didn’t think you had enough space to workout in your house, have found enough space. Many of us who didn’t think we had enough time to work on that long project list, have found enough time. We have found ways to spend time with our families. I FaceTimed with both of my brothers at once – the first time I’ve done that in my 15 years away from Pennsylvania.

The numbers on the clock read 3:34. 

Perhaps the message that the universe is trying to tell me is that I, like many of you, have needed to pause. No, we wouldn’t have drawn it up this way. Yes, we continue to worry and pray and look for ways to help those who suffer – those who are ill – those who work the front lines – those who are without jobs. To be thoughtful of those who grieve losses – of graduations and senior sports seasons and proms.

In this pause, perhaps we are less selfish though. Because many of us can also look around and find gratitude for what we have. Time. Space. Resources. We can think beyond ourselves, to those in need. 

And we can appreciate this quote I read recently by Theodore Roethke:

“In a dark time, the eye begins to see.”