I have been working on a project for the past six months.
I’ve spent almost ever waking hour, when not at the gym, working on this project. The process was a source of energy and light for me, a place where I could bring my creativity and a way to work through some of the grief I’ve experienced in recent months.
I was cruising along, checking off boxes and getting things done, until my godfather unexpectedly passed away in April. I took a week off and went home to Pennsylvania for the funeral. I thought I’d continue to work on my project while I was home during my down time.
But instead, I got nothing done.
By the time I got back to Maine, my self-imposed deadline had passed and I found myself sitting down everyday, trying to force myself to finish. Then I found myself avoiding the entire process in ways that I hadn’t done before - I was watching Netflix, reading a book, checking social media - avoiding the entire thing.
The soundtrack was playing in my head. I have always, always, always struggled to finish creative projects. All I could think was well, here I go again.
And not in that good "Whitesnake" kind of way.
I have a therapist I work with and whom I trust a great deal and out of desperation, I asked her for some advice. I didn’t need a pep talk, I didn’t need anyone to cheer me on or tell me I could do it. That wasn’t going to motivate me. I’m not wired like that.
So that’s not what she said.
She offered this quote from Nina Simone “You have to learn to get up from the table when love is no longer being served.”
She suggested that sometimes it is us who is no longer serving love to ourselves - and she reminded me to not come back to the table until I could sit with love and gratitude for the process of creation I’d begun in the first place.
It’s a nice thought. And while I could appreciate it intellectually, emotionally I was thinking something more like:
“Son of a *&^^%$%*&^^%*&(.”
I just want to finish what I set out to finish. But without a better idea, I followed her advice and stepped away from the process.
I let go of my self-imposed deadline.
I had to.
And that was difficult. It took a great deal of energy for me to let go of my expectations. It hasn't been easy. I still felt awful that I'd already missed my self-imposed deadline; that I already let myself down.
But I stepped away from the process. Instead of avoiding the work - I let myself work on other creative things.
I worked on gratitude - on being thankful for the process of creating. Sometimes I could genuinely be thankful. And sometimes I was begrudgingly thankful.
I tried to flip the script from "here I go again" to "let it be."
Because the Beatles.
Easier said than done.
We do what we can to move our own needle forward.
Whether it's for a personal project, nutrition plan, or fitness. We do the best we can with what we've got.
Even if it's only a little bit at a time.
But if we can just let go, even a little bit, of those inner expectations, the world opens up for life to unfold naturally, in a way that isn't forced.